For men may come and men may go…

For men may come and men may go,  But I go on forever. ~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Self-dating is an art. It requires complete and utter honesty but with an element of romance still present. After all, when dating oneself, there is very little room for illusions but, non the less,  a date simply isn’t a date without some romance. It has been 7 months since I took myself out on a date, 7 months of barely a nibble. On Saturday I decided that somebody has to date me, it may as well be me! So, I’m going all out.

Chilly Fall day equals jeans, favorite boots, and cozy warm sweater. First stop, the farmer’s market. Searching for pears, meat from TLC Ranch, and whatever else looks good.

What to get? Not much left at 9:45 a.m.

Wow, look at these tomatoes! Must make Deborah Madison's Essence of Tomato Soup. (5 #s tomatoes, 1 cup shallots, 3 tbls butter. Cook shallots in butter, add chopped tomatotes, cover and cook for 3-4 hours with the occasional stir. Pass through a food mill and salt to taste.)

Next stop? A nice walk, I think. Hmmm, the ocean or the forest. It is such an amazing windy chilly Fall day, I think it would be really romantic to go to on my favorite hike. Yes, I hike and I have the best hiking boots (Italian, of course). So, quick stop by my house, need to put meat in the fridge and change shoes. Now, if I had been on a date with a male, the whole changing shoe thing could have been a problem. Luckily for me, I’m very supportive and patient when it comes to wearing the right shoes. My favorite hike is in Fall Creek, in Felton. An amazingly verdant mossy place. The path winds through the redwoods and across a creek! So lovely, the sound of running water in an otherwise quiet environment. Why don’t I bring myself here more often? I left with rosy cheeks and slightly damp feet and pants (must practice jumping across creeks more often).

Fall Creek, Felton

Next stop? A cup of coffee and maybe a cookie. This is such a great date that I am feeling very energized and hopeful. I think I’ll knit myself a pair of socks. My birthday is coming up, and I do wear a lot of boots in the winter, and there is nothing better than hand knit socks… Ok, so I have 4 jobs, and a child, and an obsession with preserving, and a garden and and and… But, hey, this is a date! A little indulgence is necessary.  1/2 hour later I am sitting at a cafe, enjoying a cup of coffee and chocolate almond cookie, and starting on the socks. Five very small double pointed needles… um, where do I start? These are going to be the most expensive socks, ever. These socks may have a longer gestation period than my child. Maybe they will be finished by my 40th birthday.

Handknit socks? Indeed.

Oh yes, my birthday is coming up! I need to buy myself a birthday present. Hmmm, my pal Oona makes fun one of a kind jewelry. I wonder what she’s made lately…

I happen to love mussels and elephants.

Next stop, the bookstore. I can’t believe I haven’t been to a bookstore in months. I buy a couple of novels by Murakami and call it a day. I’m exhausted and need an afternoon nap. Fortunately, since I am on a self-date, I don’t have to worry about how to end the date and can just go home without the worry of how the afternoon went, if I wore the right thing, did I have lipstick on my teeth, how much money I spent on yarn, how clumsily I jumped across the creek, etc… Whew, what a great afternoon!

Caryatids & the Prize

 

 

Caryatids

 

Summer means reading the Illiad. Though I have read it many times,  this is the first time I have really focused on it, line by line. I’m still in the middle of Book 1, Achilleus and Agamemnon squaring off. So much talk of “giving the girl back” and “prizes.” I can just imagine the nostrils flaring, the hardened eyes, the aggressive stance… Poor Chryseis. I can’t help but think of the Caryatids, the Porch of Maidens of the Erechtheum in Athens. Those splendid female statues, pillars of strength supporting that heavy structure, a symbol of Athenian cultural and political dominance. Times have not changed that much. I look around, the beautiful female prize, shown off to friends and colleagues. And the beautiful and intelligent female assistant, making everything possible through tireless support, a pillar of strength, might as well be called a Caryatid. You see, it’s not that I relish the idea of a role reversal but, rather, the idea of equality. A cultural and political equality that will evolve past seeing either sex as a prize, especially in the spirit of the ancient Greek tradition. And by the way, this ancient Greek ethos is still very much alive, present, desired, and sought or have you not noticed?

Shoes on Film

 

Summer. Summer is the season to be outdoors and be seen outdoors. Like most people, this is the season I am most photographed. Picnics, graduations, weddings, evening dinners, etc… Occasion after occasion. Outfits should be built around shoes, always.

Taryn Rose: perfect for pushing a stroller, feeding the ducks, and the Farmer's Market.

 

Christian Louboutin: graduations, weddings, bridal or baby showers, and here in Santa Cruz, ideal for a Blessing Way

 

Emilio Pucci: for absolutely anything

 

Christian Louboutin: any special event or night in...

 

Manolo Blahnik: because it is never too early to start thinking about one's Winter boot.

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places…

As a recently divorced woman, the pressure to date has increased tenfold as my status changed from “separated” to “divorced.” Why is that? I guess the ties are finally severed and, since in my case the divorce process took 20 months, it does seem a natural thing to start thinking about. And though I have never done much dating, before or since my marriage, I do know that dating sucks. From being set up by well meaning friends and on-line matches to social networking admirers and other random connections in life, a series of first dates can be demoralizing and  really really boring. 

The first date can be so formulaic. Butterflies, nervous voice, shaky hands… and that’s when one doesn’t even think the person is attractive! With attraction, the addition of the racing pounding heart, blushing face, bright eyes, winsome smile can easily get one thinking of the path to love… or so I’ve been told! With the exception of all the handsome devils I saw in beautiful Italian shoes this past week, and they were just eye candy, I guess I’m hard to please. What is is that I seek? Well, I guess, a man who is smart and funny as hell, self-assured, not uptight, lacks pretension, with varied interests, can cook, loves poetry and rock and roll, won’t rush me out of a museum or shoe department, understands my obsession with preserving and ikats, is not a vegan, non-smoker, loves fairies (well, my fairy), has an adventurous spirit and commanding presence… and  can stand up to me and tell me off in a absolutely kind and constructive manner! Too much to ask for? I think not! In the mean time here are places to avoid when looking for love:

• A bar, alcohol does and will cloud your judgement
• High school reunion…
• Any 12 step program
• The park, yes there are single daddies but if you are the only mommy who believes in bella figura  in a very casual environment and are not 100% sure of daddy’s status, you will develop a reputation (N.B. this also applies to daycare)
• Amongst your pals siblings. Though pal is initially very enthusiastic about the prospect,  a sibling’s broken heart  can only jeopardize a continued friendship.
• Craig’s List… NO NO NO!!!
• While on vacation… hey, you’re on vacation, don’t confuse a shag with love!
• When freshly out of a relationship…
• With the first person who walks in the door, literally…
• With anyone who is in a relationship, the emotionally unavailable man is poisonous enough… don’t go there!
• With someone who is still talking about ex, especially in a bitter and hateful manner. How a man talks about and treats his ex is the most telling indicator of maturity, graciousness, and character. Insight to what lies ahead…
• Social networking sites, I’m in love with 90% of my “friends.” So many wonderful, kind, smart, interesting people out there! That kind of familiarity is no substitute for one and oneness.
• The cute butcher at your favorite grocery store. Why mess with a good thing?
• Blog admirers. Yes, Ann Althouse married one of her frequent commentators, but…

That elusive zing, the meeting of mind to mind, seeing eye to eye, when two hearts truly beat as one… well, that is not something that comes easily. And don’t be confused by all the seemingly happy couples out there, there are a lot of really lousy relationships and a lot of wrong reasons why people stay together. So, focus on what brings happiness and a sense of completion, learn to live on your own, succeed on your own, and you will be more than fine whether or not love enters your life. And, yes, loneliness is horrible, but so is being in a horrible relationship.

Notes from Las Vegas

So there is this strange place in the middle of the desert called Las Vegas. Las Vegas is theater, pure and simple. The Greek lyric poet Pindar wrote “life is a stage” and that is the most truthful statement about this city, the inspiration for the decadence, dream, hedonism that drives Las Vegas. It is the  city that never sleeps (sorry New York) and that has a lot on offer for just about every type of person on the planet. Seriously. I had the pleasure of spending 5 days and nights with two British friends in this oasis, and walked away with a further understanding of Brits specifically and humans, generally. And though I was working and on my feet 8:30 to 6, I still managed to muster the energy to go out…

These are the notes on Brits from my iPhone:

• Brits are always talking about the weather, all the time
• Brits really do drink tea, all the time
• Brits really do like beef, all the time
• Brits really do say “shag” and “rogering,” all the time
• Brits prefer “long drinks,” all the time
• Brits really do drink gin, all the time
• Brits can get away with extra levels of cheekiness with their accent, all the time
• Brits have a thing called a “pineapple hedgehog” which they like and talk about, all the time
• Special vocabulary: “bloody ‘ell” “fuck a duck” “we’re just ‘aving a jolly” “fancy a cocktail/shag/cup of tea/jolly” “hello luv” “bloody right” “bugger off” “I’m pissed” (drunk not angry)
• And, finally, since the Brits I was with were absolutely up for anything I suggested, I can only conclude that Brits are not so stuffy after all…

Notes from Las Vegas:

• Burger for breakfast, bad idea
• Cocktail before setting up booth, bad idea
• Three cocktails before anything, ie. business meeting, breakfast, lunch, dinner, on an empty stomach, bad idea
• Beef for every meal, bad idea
• Sleeping 5 hours a night, bad idea
• Wearing fancy shoes for 10 hour work days and still expecting an evening of hmmm & hmmm & hmmmm, bad idea
• Relying on fruit juice, however fresh, olives, or “muddled berries” in cocktails as a daily serving of fruit, bad idea
• Getting pissed with neighbors at the beginning of a show and going to any establishment with the words “gentleman’s club, ” EXTRA EXTRA BAD IDEA especially if wife went straight to bed after dinner and you don’t deliver husband and employee until 3 a.m. and have to work across the aisle from her for the next 3 ten hour days… %&#@!!!!!!!
• I learned a  great lesson. Always be open to good advice, always. So a big thank you to Billie, from the Sapphire Gentleman’s Club, the most beautiful softspoken practical soulful stripper I have ever met for presenting me with the most impassioned and articulate argument against getting a certain constellation tattooed across my back. Thank you, Billie.
• Lastly, maybe I’m not so stuffy either…

iPhone, the new one-eyed babysitter…

Appropriate times to bring out iPhone:

• when getting a quick, yes quick, massage on one of those funny chairs
• when in line at the grocery store, bank, café, etc…
• when running errands, of any kind
• when getting one’s fringe trimmed
• when trying to have a business meeting after both ex and emergency sitter has mysteriously disappeared into the ???
• when child wakes at 4 in the morning, demanding anything…
• when in need of a pedicure
• when cable gets shut off (f#%k) and kid must, must watch Elmo
• when cranky child needs to sit on kitchen counter and be near mommy while said mommy is trying to prepare dinner
• when mommy is trying to get eyebrows perfectly arched…
• when mommy is trying to finish a series of sentences, also known as a conversation
• …….

Appropriate viewing choices on YouTube, some examples:

• Mikhail Baryshnikov, especially in the ABT’s production of Don Quixote
• Danil Simkin, especially Moorhohn
• Gene Kelly in Singin in the Rain, especially Moses Supposes…
• Fred & Ginger, Too Hot to Handle
• The Sound of Music’s, Do Re Mi
• Friends, neighbors and café buddies being silly …
• The one and only Elmo

Age appropriate applications:

• Ocarina by smule
• Zephyr by smule
• Koi Pond
• Image Puzzle
• Mommy cooks
• Mini Piano
• TicTacToe
• Camera

The expense of an iPhone is worth every penny. Not only does it allow me to accomplish the simplest of tasks, but I can do so while spending  more time with my daughter throughout the day. I don’t have to hire a sitter in order to just get things done! Oh, and I can check my email during random moments of the day.

a Few Good Years Left…

 

French victory poster

 

Today something very special happened, something I’ve been waiting for, anticipating. Every day I open my mailbox, hoping to find an envelope that will finally and irrevocably make me a free woman. Well, today, there it was. The envelope containing the court copy of the dissolution of my marriage, or divorce. I wasn’t sure how I would feel when such papers arrived, how could I?

 

         1.Knowing I made the right choice merits a few enthusiastic bounces on the trampoline…

         2. Called my mamacita

         3. Updated my status on Facebook, immediately received emails, thumbs up, phone calls, comments, phone numbers (!!!!), dinner invites, and a few other types of invites (both naughty and nice).

         4. Made celebratory dinners plans which were cancelled as I soon learned that my daughter, unlike her mamacita, had an incredibly long and tearful day at daycare and just “wanna go home, mamacita.”

         5. Recieved email from friend with song attached. Well, tears started to flow profusely while making dinner. Relief, the worst is over. And though I’m sure there will be many tough days ahead, nothing can compare to the last two years. As a friend said, “onward and upward.”

 

         6. Two glasses of wine later, mother and daughter sat down to quick meal of pasta with olive oil, anchovies, parsley and breadcrumbs. And a quick salad of  fava beans, fennel, and pecorino. Ahhh, just the kid and I, I can live with that, quite happily…

Funny how one little piece of paper can mean so much, change so much. Lately I’ve been feeling and looking like a tired old thing, doing everything at 70%, the weight of so much on my shoulders, not at my best. That little piece of paper has firmly closed a chapter, onward and upward. At the end of the day, humor and mischief still prevail. So this old thing has decided that even though 40 is not exactly around the corner, it is in the neighborhood, but that I may  still have a few good years left…

Volodya & Vera, the tale of the narcissist and the well meaning female

 

Vera and Volodya

Historic cookbooks often offer descriptions and guides to what a proper housewife should be. I’ve been reading Gervase Markham’s The English Housewife, Containing the inward and outward virtues which out to be in a complete woman… 

Her general virtues 1.7

To conclude, our English housewife must be of chaste thought, stout courage, patient, untired, watchful, diligent, witty, pleasant, constant in friendship, full of good neighborhood, wise in discourse, but not frequent therein, sharp and quick of speech, but not bitter or talkative, secret in her affairs, comfortable in her counsels, and generally skilful in all the worthy knowledge which do belong to her vocation; of all or most parts whereof I now in the ensuing discourse intend to speak more largely….

In 1999 a wonderful biography of Vera Nabokov, Vera, was written by Stacy Schiff. Vladimir Nabokov is a favorite writer and, naturally, I was curious about the woman behind the man. Wait! Stop! “The woman behind the man?” Yes, I soon learned that Vera was his typist, editor, translator, driver, grader of papers, often gave his lectures at Cornell, accompanied him to class to turn on lights (he would not hit a switch), wipe blackboards, etc…  A perfect example of the brilliant eccentric helpless narcissist and the well meaning female. Why is this an acceptable role? Not just for the woman but for the man?

Partnerships of every kind are a beautiful endeavor. In my opinion, it is a great thing to offer and assist one’s partner so long as that hand is extended both ways, generously and respectfully. Unfortunately, the narcissist often uses eccentricity and helplessness as a way to draw in the well meaning female and the well meaning female, by definition a veritable powerhouse of knowledge and strength, is often guided by loneliness, love, and hope that she has finally met her partner. Finding someone to take care of you, I state this loudly and clearly to both men and women, is not the proper motivation for partnerships of any kind. It is simply a contradiction in terms. Helplessness is a pitiful tactic for seduction. We must all learn to stand on our own, live on our own, succeed on our own. Only through that strength, that knowledge that “I can do it,” can a partnership be entered in which one party will not be painfully squashed and silenced but acknowledged and honored.

Markham’s list of virtues are a mere beginning. Vera knew several languages, was a fast typist, driver, teaching assistant, and even took up lepidoptery. I have no doubts regarding Vladimir Nabokov’s brilliance, but I do take offense to the romantic notion of the brilliant creative man standing on the shoulders of the beautiful intelligent and capable woman. I am happy to reconsider this point when I see more examples of the brilliant creative female being assisted by her male partner, in every way. So, to update Markham’s list of virtues, are we now to include:

• knowledge of several languages
• not just BAs but MAs and PhDs
• a sharp mind and eye, for editing purposes
• familiarity with Word Press and CSS
• techiness (knowledge of the entire Adobe suite, Endnotes, visual and sound file programs including podcasting, Quickbooks, access to internet databases…)
• varied interests and knowledge of everything including current events, the perfect dinner party companion
• sexual softness coupled with physical athleticism
• …..

And what demands to we make of men? I think our desires towards the men in our life have remained pretty constant for thousands of years! Honesty, emotional availability, commitment, participation especially when children are present, interests in our interests and activities, fidelity, consistency, credit for what we do, value to our work (yes, being a domestic goddess is more than a full time job), love and admiration for our inner and outer beauty, even as we age and our weight fluctuates with the bearing of children and we experience illness, and ultimately, the highest acknowledgement of a partnership – sincere kindness, friendship, respect and honest communication.

Women of the world, honor your creativity and intelligence and don’t set aside or lose track of YOUR dreams!

My 2nd Mother’s Day

My daughter spends Sundays and Mondays with her father. Any sadness I felt about not spending the day together quickly dissipated with the smile of mischief on my daughter’s face. We had a short but lovely Mother’s day morning. She left with her father feeling very proud about both keeping the presents a secret from me and her choice of gifts, a ceramic yellow bird for the garden and two six packs, one of pink cosmos and the other of purple lobelias! An indulgent afternoon of bicycle riding on another beautiful California day kept my spirits high as did having a wonderful dinner with a dear friend and her family. And, you know, a day to oneself always makes for a better more relaxed mommy…

TIP:

Honor the parent! If married or divorced, as a parent take the time to teach your child the importance of Mother’s/Father’s Day. It takes very little effort to make a homemade card, gather some flowers, buy a book or cd… The pleasure and pride the child gets from giving mommy or daddy a gift is truly truly wonderful to behold. As witnessed below…

 

 

A Menu to Mark a New Beginning

Signing one’s divorce papers ranks pretty low on the list of occasions in life. Never the less, I always believe in marking special occasions with some sort of celebration. Though the end of a dream is undecidedly sad, the prospect of a new beginning is kind of exciting! Ending a relationship takes courage and having a second (or third, fourth, etc…) chance at life and love is a gift. My advice, keep busy! Though the trip to the lawyers was sad, the rest of the day was spent between errands, meeting, work, parenting… Too busy and too tired to cry or be sad! Even now as I write, I just want to sleep.

So on this occasion I called my dear friends and made a meal of comfort foods. Every occasions needs the companionship of friends and champagne. When faced with days like these, don’t go it alone. Call your friends and family! I called my girlfriends, they came over with their kids, we had a wonderful dinner, and played in the garden until darkness descended. And a new tradition was born, guacamole Wednesday with plenty of alloted time for swinging on the hammock.

Menu

• Butternut squash tamales
• Refried sage beans
• Grilled skirt steak
• Guacamole
• Chips and salsa
• Vanilla ice cream and fresh strawberries